i feel like shit, surprise surprise. ate everything i planned on eating, and of course got way too drunk because i didn’t have very much food in my stomach. my left heel fucking hurts because i thought it’d be a good idea to dance on the counters and jump off of them, and landed way too hard on my feet.

but i lost weight. not proud or happy because i know it’s just from the acai. it’s not because i did a good job or because i’m strong.

are difficult because that definitely means drinking. which means i need to eat unless i want to be the sloppy drunk girl. and those days are over!

so. i have to eat breakfast because i need something in my stomach for the acai/green tea pills; i have to eat lunch because i need to get rid of the spinach i bought before it goes bad; i have to eat dinner because we’re all going out to eat.
and we’re also drinking.

might end up skipping lunch, unfortunately. /: i’m too freaked out. i don’t really have time to work out either.. i wish i thought about this stuff ahead of time so i could have woken up earlier to work out.

lolol my life is so hard right? not.

i’m just so fed up and tired of faking it.. and i’m beginning to fake it more and more often..

i need to learn how to not let food affect my mood.
pretty much ate just so i won’t be irritable until lunchtime.
binged last night but didn’t gain. i hope this doesn’t become a habit.

oh and going to mexico next week?! i never thought i could be so excited and so terrified at the same time.

really big reality check today:

while i was thinking about how much i weigh (surprise, surprise) i remembered i hadn’t logged my weight for today (since i was FINALLY able to weigh myself). definitely was not satisfied with the numbers i saw but i knew i should record it. so i did, then i looked at my weight from the beginning of this month.
i’ve lost between 5-6 pounds since then. which is about two pounds a week.
i haven’t thought about how much i’ve lost COLLECTIVELY since i’ve started restricting a lot more, because every single morning when i look at the scale, the numbers are always still too high still too high still too high still..

this is how i know there’s something wrong. i’m pretty sure any normal person would be thrilled to have lost that much weight since the 3rd.

but not me.

of course i take the day off yesterday, keep telling myself i’ll exercise my butt off and then eat junk all day. didn’t purge either. who knows how much i’ve gained.

i don’t. because i couldn’t use a scale yesterday (actually i did, it said i had gained 6 pounds but i know that can’t be right because that was before i had eaten anything. plus it was the scale at my house, it’s never consistent anyway).. but i’m going to weigh myself as soon as i’m off work today.

bought “healthy?” stuff at the store yesterday. still trying to live without dairy. which is going fine, imo. i can’t wait to start working at the waffle shop though, then i’ll be moving around and on my feet all day. plus the time will go by quicker and free coffeeeeee.

also i might be going to mexico in a week and a half?! if i have enough days off that is. i don’t even know how i’ll be able to deal with wearing minimal clothing with my extra-skinny friend.. ):

stop fucking bringing up calories/fat/nutrition around my boyfriend.

because yesterday i was talking with him about the stuff i bought at the store, and mentioned that i decided to get almond milk instead of rice milk since the rice milk has more calories.  then he talked to me for about twenty minutes about he’s starting to get a little worried about me.  he thinks i’m not getting enough protein, he says he’s observant about what i eat.

“there’s such a thing as too skinny,” he told me.  but he also told me that he’d be attracted to me no matter what.. he said i could even put on 30 pounds? uh no thanks.

i told him not to worry, he has a lot of other stuff on his plate right now anyway.  he’s still trying to gain weight, too. so that doesn’t really help or make me feel better. i was slightly offended when i heard that he was worried and is starting to notice my eating habits more. at first i wanted people to worry (that’s weird, that’s not normal, maybe i just want the attention?) but now i don’t want that at all. i don’t want him to notice these things, i want to get skinny and make it to my goal. i don’t want to worry him, and i really don’t want him to stop me.

everything he was saying to me was really sweet though..
you’re beautiful, you already are really skinny, you really shouldn’t worry about your weight, i’ll love you no matter what..
of course it isn’t enough to make me change though. /: and that makes me feel like shit.
i just feel like shit no matter what.

I just want to lose weight.. that’s all that I want right now. I want to be where I was in November.
fuck back-tracking. //: not in a good mood at all.

I’m ugly, fat, and I’m really good at making people feel like shit. i feel like shit. I deserve this.
I can’t stand being around myself.

until yesterday my boyfriend and I were unaware of how serious his mom’s breast cancer actually is. it’s possible she’s in stage four, which means she won’t have long to live /: which also means my boyfriend would go back down to the lower 48 to be with her..

he says we’ll be fine, we have to work out, he won’t leave me. I really should just trust him, but it’s hard not to think, “well its not like I haven’t heard this before, and look how that ended up.”
Probably shouldn’t have gotten attached so quickly..i might be a nice hot mess here real quick.

but I lost a bit of weight. so that should make me happy. right?